stuggling to make sense of... everything

Right now I'm having a really hard time making sense of things. What I thought would be simple - like being dependable for someone, and expecting the same vice versa - is now a lot more grey then I expect it to be. Was I wrong in expecting the unconditional? Was I wrong to expect respect and support? Was I wrong to expect compassion and understanding - especially when it was a fuckin (small) mistake? Why do I get the feeling that they're looking/ listening and then thinking what I'm saying is all BS?

Unhealthy all round and I need resolution. I can't go to work crying anymore.

Damn, didn't someone tell me the grey areas will become bigger and more confusing as you get older?

ignorance and tripe?

Tripe... is something only a serious foodie, or an Ethnic person, would readily eat.

Me? I grew up with it. I still don't like it for textual reasons, but have a healthy respect for those who eat it.

Now Michael Bauer and tripe? I don't know what to make of him. Or his relationship with tripe either (article here).

For starters - it's fookin hard to cook tripe. The washing/ boiling/ flavouring needed to make this piece of stomach tasty is too labour intensive for many.

So for Michael to say San Franciscans will eat tripe - you know, I'll take that as a compliment. We're experimental folks and will at least give a chef the benefit of doubt to try it. If you fool us once? Shame on you. We just blog about it and make sure the entire city know your restaurant suck.

For him to say that New Yorkers won't if offered the same? Well... I think that's a backhanded criticism for a New Yorker's humanity, don't you think?

holy c*&p... my back:(

I was a ver flexible kid... touching my toes while standing means my whole hand is on the ground - I could do that right till about age 25, and then it started to get difficult but always, my hands will get to my feet with legs straight.

Today - I knew something was up when at dragon boat warm up I had problems reaching beyond my knee. That was AWFUL. Right now I have the worst lower back pain I've had in quite awhile. What could that be attributed to? Well, the bike fall 2 wks ago... then bounching on rapids on a raft (I definitely had a bung knee after the trip), and finally today when we did strength work it just gave way.

I have a deep tissue massage booked tomorrow, and hopefully that helps.

Hopefully I'll be OK at friend's welcome dinner/ the bar tonight!!!

self esteem issues (possibly temporary)

I don't think I get PMS (famous last words right? ha) - but I know I do get more critical of things around that time of month. Or this time of month.

Last weekend... huge camping/ rafting trip with 15 others. About 50/50 with folks I kinda know vs. those I'm meeting for the first time. No one on this trip I can say I know well (besides maybe 1 or 2 people. In general it's hard to claim to know anyone 'well' when your existance in this country only started 2 years ago).

I usually don't have a problem with being in a crowd but I got very insecure over the weekend. At some points in time I was downright feeling I was left right out. Not saying either groups were alientating - they were absolutely not - but I felt like i was in no man's land because it is human nature to gravitate towards those they know best, and I didn't have that option.

As a firm believer of doing something for yourself - the solution of course was to make some new friends. Once again I counted on others too much and I really ought to have helped myself out of this ditch.

Don't get me wrong... had some awesome times on the weekend but would have done some things differently.

illness sucks

Not meaning to crate any vicious cycles of blogging about other bloggers - this is one blog I recently discovered and it has really moved me;
http://www.fatcyclist.com/

Just shows cancer can affect anyone regardless of how active you are.

alpacas... a learning session

We met this little alpaca on the streets of Melbourne AUS. She is a 6 mth old female i.e. still a juvenile. Her owner (an eccentric older fella) keeps her in the backyard and parades her round St Kilda once a month or so - complete with a donation collar. We met them Ackland St, and from a distance I honestly thought "gee that looked like a bigggg dog!" and how wrong was I!

Anyhow, after meeting Miss Alpaca, I did some reading;
- She could grow up to 5 ft tall, approx 110-170 lbs and live for 20 years

- Alpacas have straight ears and were bred for their fur. Ilamas are about 1-2 ft taller, have bent ears and were bred for strength.

- They have 3 stomaches!

- They do get wet and shaggy like a dog because their fur is not oily like sheep's

- According to Peru, home of alpacas, there are 52 colour classifications. The same colour range is considered as 12 in AUS, and 16 in the US

- Recommended 4,356sq ft per alpaca. Therefore our apartment can hold 23% of one

- They are house trainable since, in the wild, alpacas do their 'business' at the same dung heap. However, as cited from Wikipedia, females tend to all 'go' at the same time therefore create a bigger mess in a pack situation

- Not all alpacas spit. The little one we saw, for example, doesn't (she is also trained/ encouraged not to)

- You can buy one for around USD 100 (a gelded male)


It would be kinda cool to have one in the backyard... if I had a yard...

defining moment

I just had a defining moment... one that has been creeping up on me for awhile, as I prepare for my annual visit home.

See, I've been getting a bit of anxiety when people ask about my travel plans. The answer is something like "We'll be in Sydney, then head up to the reef then back to SF on 7th July". It's the bit where I say 'back to SF' I get stuck with... I almost write "back HOME on 7th July" just about every time.

Just then I needed to fill out some passenger information for the airline - one question asks what is your current address, and what is your destination address. On my last visit home, I put both as my parents' address in Sydney.

This year... my current address is SF.

I guess this is home for me right now.